Breaking the Silence

I just finished reading "A Wall of Silence," an article in the June issue of Parents magazine.  The article is about depression and moms--specifically the problems associated with postpartum depression (PPD).

I don't have to read an article to know what damage PPD can do. I've lived it. It took more than a year before I was diagnosed and got help. Everything seemed fine right after my daughter was born. She was an easy baby. I started feeling anxious but chalked it up to being a new mom. An unexpected surgery shortly after her birth left me unable to drive for an extended period. Two moves in six months left me lonely and isolated. A family crisis pushed me over the edge. I was a wreck. I would take care of the baby and sleep, I couldn't seem to manage anymore. I was withdrawn and angry. I felt completely out of control but I wasn't sure why or what to do about it. I struggled in silence--afraid I was crazy, a bad mother, a lousy human being. Thankfully, my husband realized that something had gone way off course and he got me help. A course of anti-depressants and therapy helped get me back on track.

I still struggle with issues raised by my PPD. I worry that I am not the mom I could have been if I hadn't been depressed. I worry that my daughter will be emotionally damaged by what happened. In my darkest moments, I wonder if my daughter and my husband don't deserve better than I can provide.

I have learned a lot during my fight with PPD. I have learned that I am stronger than I believed. I have learned that my husband has a deep capacity for love and understanding. I have learned that laughter and joy are priceless. I have learned to make happiness a choice. I have learned it is important to share my experience because I never want any other mother to feel like she is losing herself and is completely alone.

PPD doesn't just occur right after birth. It can happen any time during the first year. A later onset is especially common in nursing moms. Depression has many different faces--some moms cry, some panic, and some get angry. All of them need help. Motherhood is rewarding, frightening, hard, joyful, and it is not something we can do alone.